While to the outside it is very obvious what’s missing, creating time in a busy week to connect doesn’t always seem very urgent. It is a high priority with the illusion of low urgency. Many couples get into trouble by sweeping under the rug the time to talk. There will always be urgencies that feel more pressing than priorities.
In the post The Love Calendar one example of how to remedy this problem is presented. No matter the technique in use, creating time to talk is vital for a relationship to grow. Not just the idle talk variety, but the sexy talk, the planning talk, the checking in talk, the uplifting talk, and the review how things are handled talk also just as important.
In addition to talking with each other, a couple needs to have their own individual time where they can figure out themselves as individuals. Some get lost in their partners, others lost in their relationship. Without a good self identity, many will forget what is important for themselves and that self-neglect leads to all kinds of lost-in-another feelings that ruin relationships.
In order to negotiate a relationship well, both parties need to know themselves well so to know what is negotiable and what is not. Jack and Jill were not talking and not negotiating fairly about what was important to themselves, let alone the relationship.
1- Make time to know and be true to yourself as a person. Jack and Jill need to know what they want in very clear terms.
2- Have a vision for what you want your relationship to be like, in all areas of it. Domestic, professional, recreational, social, spiritual, physical, mental, intellectual, and a few others that each person finds important.
3- The two complete individuals now come together to talk and plan together the best course of action for the relationship. This is where negotiation skills come in handy. Sometimes having a third neutral party helps, hence Three’s Company.
4-Periodic debriefs are important. A safe place where one can review how a plan is coming to light. How one feels about the way things are progressing. Review of lessons learned. Check options to improve. This is also the place where people get very defensive if the tone used is not correct no accusatory tones and plenty of I statements goes a long way here
5- Prayer. Sure, this point should be number one, however, reality is many will not use it as number one. Some don’t believe in it at all. However, the purpose of prayer is to help the one praying enter into a service mindset. Meaning: when asking God for help, one needs to be open to suggestions… then… used said suggestions to improve the relationship. (forgiveness, reconciliation, encouragement… service to your partner/relationship attributes). That simple mindset shift can be all the difference in tone to win over the partner as both work towards improving a relationship. not taking anything away from the powerful spiritual benefits of prayer at all
About Jack and Jill
They both walked away from the retreat filled with many insights about their relationship. They realized they were not working together, but fighting each other trying to reach the same goals. They wanted the other happy, yet they were taking out of the relationship vault without replenishing it.
Everyone else had time on their calendar, but they begrudged each other’s desire to have time spent together.
They agreed to have a new date night routine built into their schedule. A place where they could safely talk, relax, do things together. No pressure was put on how to romance each other, as that was best served from the heart instead of intellectual expectations.
It took several months for their relationship to slip into the discord they found themselves in, it would take many months to correct habits and make things great again. Patience, baby steps, lots of reflections, many family meetings, in time they would have their happy relationship back.
Yearly Three’s Company visit were set in place where the advice of competent neutral third party gave insights and guidelines that helped them more quickly improve things. Sure beats the drama of chatting with gossip prone friends who mean well but don’t know better half the time.
Relationship goes through regular ups and downs and that doesn’t mean everything is over and doomed. Like the stock market, as long as the trend line is moving forward in the upward direction, progress is being made. Quitting on the lows is not cool and not fair.
The art of the negotiation is unique to each relationship. Tips can be learned. The mastery of it is up to the couple. Both parties have to be committed to the process to make it go fast. However, fast is relative. And sometimes, when only one is committed, progress can still be made, albeit very slowly at times. It’s when both parties quit that usually spells doom for the relationship… but is not always a definitive marker of the end.