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The future is open to be shaped in a number of different ways. The ideal tool to use is not one with a negative blunt end. There is a toolbox of options.

Shaping the future’s outlook

A mentor once said… whatever your mind focuses on, grows.

They’re right. The mind is very good at making powerful associations and lasting impressions. If we keep ruminating negatively about our partners, we will start to feel negatively about them over time.

Thoughts like “I can’t believe how irritating he is” and “I can’t believe she’d do something this stupid” will start to pull a lot of other memories and associations of times we felt the way we just spoken. The reinforcement of ‘evidence’ will bring a more solid image to mind. The scenes will start to color our vision so we see more evidence of our partner’s weaknesses. A feedback loop is built. We are primed to see their flaws.

Our reactions start to gear themselves up to defend against the negative impressions of our partner. If we see them as lazy and purposefully doing things to annoy us, we will handle them differently than if we thought they were trying to help us and uplift us.

This feedback loop has been at the root cause of many “accusations” and headed arguments. The wife was cleaning. The husband thought she was displacing his collectibles, they fought and ruined a perfectly good night. All because, he thought she was up to her bad habit of disrespecting his space. (just an example)

Keep in mind, no one knows your thoughts. If we live with the assumption that our partners are supposed to know what we’re thinking… we won’t communicate with full complete thoughts… giving rise to confusion and disillusionment.

How?

One partner will say something in mid thought, assuming the other is aware of the entire thought process. They won’t finish the thought, because the partner already knows. The receiving partner can easily conclude the message was not a message but a random thought being spoken out loud with no purpose or direction. You can already see the conflict that results from this line of thinking.

One step further, the way we associate thoughts is a natural process of the mind. What we control is the initial seed thought, the rest is nearly automatic. So effective the machinery, we often use it to filter out friendships, opportunities, loyalties, social networks.

Just think. If we don’t like the friends our spouses has, we won’t see the value our spouse sees in their friendships. We miss out on opportunities that network can offer. Especially insights into what our spouse values but doesn’t feel the need to verbalize.

Our present is shaped by our words, but our future depends on the images that these words generate.

Positive Action Affirmation

There are some who feel that having a positive outlook is not a healthy thing to have. As if you’re overlooking reality and coloring everything rose. Far from it. Being of a positive mindset does not discount reality or dismisses the negative side of life.

If anything, the ability to find the positive in everything is an adaptive coping strategy that allows a person not to remain stuck in negativity and spiral into a more depressive state.

Let’ break this down into a few component pieces and find the strength of positivity.

Growth Mindset

For many of the reasons stated early in this post, the mind is a machine that likes to associate images together. If we believe that there is a good outcome possible, the mind will look for it. It’s a positive feedback loop… or feedfoward loop.

If I keep seeing my spouse as a source of energy, motivation, empowerment, I’m going to more inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt when something looks different. I’m more willing to ask questions, learn, and understand.

There is no ignoring the present reality. For example, in the case of a job loss, a positive mindset does not ignore loss of a job. What it sees is the opportunity to go get a better job instead of the devastation of a lost job. The positive mind sees this as an opportunity to do better and gain more experience.

As CEOs of the home, we have to see the lessons and positive we can take from each situation. This keeps the family moving forward and growing.

Instead of seeing the children as chaos agents ruining life, we see them as explorers reminding us of our younger days of mental agility. We can now work with them and for them to help them grow while maintaining our vitality and agilities.

The single biggest advantage in this section, we look at life as a series of lessons and opportunities. It’s a long journey. It’s a process. Not a destination. We cherish each of the lessons.

In plain English, we reward the effort, not the failure. Let’s just use an example:

We don’t punish a child for falling on the backside while trying to learn to walk, do we? For those of you who do… please stop! We reward and cheer and celebrate each efforts the child makes until they learn to walk.

So… um… why do we stop doing this when they get older? Why do we not cheer and celebrate each of our spouse’s efforts? What made it cool to punish the living daylights out of failures? Please, reward the efforts and the lessons learned.

The ‘failures’ are already done. You can’t undo what is done. But you can rebuild better and have a stronger comeback. By the way, this is kind of what they meant by positive criticism. Praising the efforts.

“Son/daughter… I am so glad you took the risk to try something new. Let us deconstruct it and see what else we can learn and help you improve for your next attempt”

Yes, it’s more work. But then, all good positive things in life do come with a priced… work.

Post Author: Epea7p

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